When Gold Becomes a Pain in the Butt

A Crappy Way to Smuggle Gold

In a story that would fit right into a heist movie, an ex-employee from the Royal Canadian Mint has been accused of stealing gold nuggets from the government facility by hiding the precious metal in his butt.  Talk about gold bottoming out. I guess you can say this alleged gold heist was an inside job, if you know what I mean. 😁


35 year old Leston Lawrence sold multiple nuggets of gold called “pucks” to a local gold dealer in Ottawa, and then deposited the proceeds into his bank account. Each puck weighed about 210 grams (7.4 ounces.) According to records, he sold 18 of them in the span of 4 months. Investigators with search warrants also found 4 gold pucks in his safety deposit box. The combined value of all this gold is estimated to be $180,000. His job was to measure the purity of gold coins at the Mint, but he has since been fired in light of the accusations.

It was a bank teller who first raised the alarm. She could smell something was not right, 💩 noting the frequency of Lawrence’s deposits, and his requests to wire the money overseas.

The bank teller notified her supervisor and the RCMP was soon involved. They even found a container of Vaseline in Lawrence’s locker. Prosecutors alleged that he smuggled the gold nuggets out of the Mint by concealing them in his anal cavity one at a time. This would explain why the handheld wand used as a security measure at the Mint didn’t detect anything on him. So despite the Mint’s sophisticated security system, it was still vulnerable to a backdoor exploit.

Lawrence has now become the butt of a joke and faces several charges including theft, laundering, possession of stolen property, and breach of trust. Talk about dirty money. 😏 His lawyer claims that Lawrence is being accused with a bum rap, and suggests the prosecutors are being too anal about the case.

The judge appointed to the case is none other than Justice Peter Doody. Yes, his name really is Doody. He is clearly the right judge for the job. 😆

The accusations against Lawrence are pretty serious, so I can understand if he’s feeling pretty butt-hurt right now. But honestly, he can use some common sense. Even if he bought all his gold nuggets legitimately, he was still an employee for the RCM. What did he think was going to happen if he tried to pawn off over $100K worth of gold in a short amount of time? He also left a paper trail selling all his gold and kept lubricant in his locker. It’s almost as if he was trying to draw suspicion to himself on purpose, lol.

Judge Doody is scheduled to deliver a final decision on November 9th, 2016.

[edit Feb 2017] Update to the story: The judge ruled that Lawrence must serve a 2.5 year prison sentence and pay a fine of $190,000. [/edit]

Random Useless Fact:



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09/29/2016 3:56 pm

Guess it’s no different than African miners smuggling diamonds etc in their various bodily orifices. Only different in that they usually get killed if caught.

Just another case of the private citizen being prosecuted under law for the same things public corporations do without any legal ramifications.

09/30/2016 6:45 am

Boy you really backed-up this article with lots of tight plays on words. Today’s word smithing may be worthy of a Golden Plunger Award (a real book BTW). Top-to-Bottom, a great read. Spot on. Right on Track. Any hand sanitizer around.
cd :O)

Financial Canadian
Financial Canadian
09/30/2016 6:58 am

This is crazy… I can’t believe that 1) this occurred and 2) that there was Vaseline in his safety deposit box. Seems like something out of a comedy skit.

09/30/2016 10:16 am

I think the Vaseline was found in his locker at his place of employment the Canadian Mint.. None the less still funny!

11/09/2016 7:03 pm

this is hilarious